“Accusatory concern” is the root cause of this kind of suffering.
In life, I have found that many people are like this: when faced with a problem, they would rather endure it themselves than seek help or support from their parents.
Over the past half year, Kevyn has had a very difficult time. Due to the external environment, she was demoted at work and then discovered health issues, but she never mentioned these things to her family and decided to handle them on her own.
During this time, she often ran back and forth between the company and the hospital, becoming extremely exhausted and even falling into a severe state of depression.
So I couldn’t help but ask her: “Won’t you tell your parents? They may not be able to help you much, but at least they can show concern for you.”
To my surprise, upon hearing my suggestion, Kevyn became even more helpless: “I can’t let them know about these things. Their concern will make me feel even worse.”
Why does a parent’s concern make a child feel worse?
1,As I learned about the experiences of a young woman named Kevyn, I began to understand the root cause of her suffering. Kevyn has been a latchkey child since nursery school, living with her grandparents while her mother worked. However, her mother is not a neglectful parent; on the contrary, she often calls Kevyn to check in and show concern for her well-being. But Kevyn found it strange that every time she confided in her mother, her mother’s “concern” made her feel worse.
She told me about an incident during her teenage years. As the college entrance exam approached, Kevyn lost over ten kilograms due to the stress of studying. She also became very depressed. When her mother found out, she called to inquire about the situation. Kevyn explained that she was feeling down and had lost her appetite, which was why she had lost so much weight. But when Kevyn mentioned feeling down, her mother launched into a “concerned” lecture about how Kevyn should be focusing on her studies at this age and not letting her imagination run wild. This made Kevyn feel even more unable to confide in her mother about why she was depressed.
Throughout her life, Kevyn has experienced many similar instances of “concern” from her parents. When she was sick, her mother would nag loudly about how she should have taken better care of herself. When she experienced a break-up, her father would reflect on how he had warned her that her partner was no good and now she was paying the price. These statements may seem like normal expressions of concern from parents, but to Kevyn, they felt like accusations and blame.
The problem with this type of “concerned” parenting is that it is actually a form of criticism. Rather than showing understanding and support, it puts the child on the defensive and makes them feel like they are being blamed for their problems. This can lead to increased stress and a lack of willingness to confide in and seek help from parents.
To prevent this type of “concerned” parenting, it is important for parents to listen to their children and show understanding and empathy. Instead of immediately jumping to criticism or blame, parents should try to see things from their child’s perspective and offer support and guidance. It is also important to create an open and trusting relationship with children, so that they feel comfortable coming to their parents for help and support when they need it.
2,Growing up as a left-behind child, Kevyn always felt that her parents’ concern for her was not quite genuine. When she was in kindergarten, her mother would often call to check in on her, but every time Kevyn confided in her about her feelings, her mother’s “concern” only seemed to make her feel worse. One time, during her teenage years, Kevyn lost a lot of weight due to the stress of preparing for the college entrance exams. When her mother found out, she called to ask what was wrong and Kevyn explained that she was just feeling down and had lost her appetite. However, her mother’s response was to scold her for not focusing on her studies and suggest that her poor performance was due to her “daydreaming”.
Kevyn also recalls many similar instances of “concern” from her parents throughout her life. When she was sick, her mother would nag her about taking care of her health. When she went through a breakup, her father would criticize her for not listening to him when he warned her that her partner wasn’t good enough. These comments, though well-intentioned, made Kevyn feel as though she couldn’t confide in her parents about her problems.
When Kevyn tried to talk to her mother about her discomfort with the arranged marriage her grandmother was pushing her towards, her mother not only failed to understand her, but took her grandmother’s side and continued to pressure her to go through with it. This only added to Kevyn’s stress. Despite this, Kevyn tried to express her feelings in a gentle way, saying that she wasn’t used to her parents suddenly showing so much concern after being largely absent throughout her life. However, her mother burst into tears and said that she felt guilty for leaving Kevyn behind while she worked to provide for the family. This response not only showed a lack of understanding, but also placed blame on Kevyn and made her feel guilty for speaking up.
Through these experiences, Kevyn realized that her parents were not able to listen and understand her feelings, and that expressing herself to them only led to more guilt and blame. As a result, she has learned to suppress her emotions and avoid confiding in her parents. However, this has left her feeling isolated and unable to seek the emotional support that she needs. It’s important for parents to be able to listen and understand their children’s feelings, and to show support rather than judgment or blame. Without this, children may struggle to feel understood and supported, and may struggle to form healthy, supportive relationships in the future.
3,There are many people like Kevyn in reality. On the one hand, they long to confide in their family, but they also know that they will receive twice the pain if they do, so they give up on confiding; on the other hand, after giving up on confiding, they can only rely on themselves and live a very independent life, but at the same time, they become an isolated island. Along the way, they must have experienced many difficult times. Here, I invite you to engage in some self-healing to gain more strength. Maybe you can try doing this – seeing the limitations of your parents and accepting reality. Many times, our parents are unable to meet our expectations due to their own limitations. This is a great loss and regret for us. At the same time, we will feel pain, grievance, and anger about this, which is normal. But only by acknowledging these facts, seeing the limitations of our parents, can we break free. Just like Kevyn, she also had to deal with things alone due to her parents’ powerlessness and suffered for a long time. But when she tried to explain her feelings and express her needs to her parents and received “accusatory care,” she gradually realized that her mother couldn’t help her and that this was an undeniable reality. Not only that, but confiding in her also meant experiencing twice the pain. She began to slowly accept these realities and stopped placing her expectations on her mother. Of course, this is not an easy thing for any of us. But only by seeing the powerlessness and limitations of our parents and finding other sources of support and love can we gradually break free from the pain and gain more strength.
Seeking new relationships is important for many people who are forced to be independent. If they cannot find comfort from their family, they can seek new relationships to get support. These can be friends, close relationships, or counselors. Just like Kevyn, after she started working at her current company last year, she became good friends with a colleague. In front of this person, she can always share her joys and sorrows candidly and the other person will catch her emotions well. It can be said that in this relationship, she found a good confidant. Slowly, she began to open up and no longer had to bear everything alone. So when faced with the double blow of a salary cut and illness, even though she collapsed because she didn’t receive her family’s concern, in the end, she was always able to stand up firmly and face everything. Because she knew that behind her, there was someone who was accompanying and supporting her. As Tim Desmoid said in “Reconciling with the True Self”: You spend most of your life alone, but it’s not your fault. You were born into a terrible environment and didn’t get the support you needed. But you’ve always been lovable, and the people you meet as an adult will see that. And once we have a connection with these people, we will find that it is okay not to hold on so tightly. Of course, I want to clarify that establishing connections with others is a necessary step in healing oneself, but it is not the final answer. The ultimate goal is to heal oneself and find inner peace. This can be achieved through self-acceptance, self-care, and self-compassion. These are the keys to building a healthy relationship with oneself and others.
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